Blue is better than Grey

It is difficult to articulate the complete devastation and yet simultaneous total nothingness I feel in relation to the status of my life

I recall being once able to clearly identify emotions

As they washed over me, I could see them

I could see them as if they were waves of colour, each equally identifiable

Blue, sadness

Yellow, joy

Red, rage

Purple, jealousy, and so forth

In some ways, I consider this spectrum of emotional colour to be one of the greatest privileges of the human experience

« Feel the rainbow »

It has become evident through professional observation that I have not been blessed with the generic disposition to receive an abundance of pleasure, dissimilar to my litter

And so I am desperately apologetic to eight-year-old me, who envisioned a world so vastly different from her now reality

My accurate sensitivities allowed for the sadness, anger, resentment and pain to drive me through the last few years of my life

I saw those colours and I felt things that were real

Nothing can compare to the emotional numbness that results from an untreated illness

I am mourning the loss of my sensitivity because the inability to feel, to care, and to appropriately react to the recurring abhorrence is no longer accessible to me

I cannot feel rage

I cannot express sadness

The hole in my body that has been accumulating shame and guilt is overflowing and unable to harbour more pain

So it sits there, damage already done

I have a longing for the time when I cared about something

When my passions meant something to me and my quality of life was reflective of a soldier still invested in the Battle

I do not want to die

I want to pause, float, blissfully unaware of my existence, like a coma with healing power, until this blip in time has terminated and everything is different

But instead, I have booked a one-way ticket to North Africa, to run away, to minimise the harrowing head noise that routine and familiarity of surroundings can bring me

In some ways, you could consider this my last attempt at respiration, personal redemption

To once again see the spectrum of colours available to me and fight for my right to once again « feel the rainbow »