Down

I liked the way his response was always, I’m down. And that meant down for anything with me. Down to window shop at my favourite furniture stores and listen to me fantasise about how I could certainly fit a 4x2 metre desk in my apartment. Down to jump in the Seine River after a wild night at Mirage. Down to sleep at my place and watch me make coffee in the morning. Down to wash my hair in the shower with a bar of soap. Down to try new restaurants that I would send him on Instagram; “I’m down, I’ll make a booking”, he would reply. Down to sit on the grass at Place Des Vosges and smile for a film photo from a photographer who thought we looked beautiful together. And we did. Down to come with me to Sitges or Marseille and lie on the beach naked and drink beer. It made me feel free, as if any idea I had was brilliant. There was something so comforting about his companionship because when I had him, I knew I would have a good time and nothing bad could happen. I let myself relax in his presence. His arms could not only hold me but also the weight of any situation. He was somehow total safety amidst the calamity of our Parisian summer romance; mostly filled with wild parties, orange wine, intense arguments and even more intense orgasms. As things progressed between us, I also started to absorb some of his energy into my way of being. He was more calm and assured than any lover I’d ever been with before and worked harder than most people I knew. I felt myself changing. I stopped being down for every social engagement because I wasn’t down for the extremes anymore. I started thinking about the future. I wasn’t even down to stay in Paris after he left. I travelled the world. I went to North Africa and then did a pilgrimage walk through rural Italy and cried in the Vatican City. I grew up. I had given him passion, and he had shown me stability. It was a beautiful trade-off. Yin and Yang. I started saying things to myself like I want to deserve him. I was motivated to find balance in my life. And when I finished my expedition and made my way to his doorstep on the Lower East Side, perfectly imperfect but filled with so much love to give, it turned out the only thing he wasn’t down for was a future with me.